


grey.

by franticfiction



Category: Big Bang (Band), GTOP (Band)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-07
Updated: 2015-03-07
Packaged: 2018-03-16 17:17:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,341
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3496439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/franticfiction/pseuds/franticfiction
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Jiyong is a dreamer- he dreams of the sun and the stars even though they don't exist anymore. Seunghyun is a realist- he believes in things he can see and touch. They are perfect together, they complete each other in so many ways. Until Jiyong dreams of the one thing Seunghyun can never give him."</p>
            </blockquote>





	grey.

Earth. Seoul. 2184.

 

_["Have you ever wondered what it feels like to kiss the sun?" Jiyong turns his head. Displaying his gummy grin to Seunghyun who's lying next to him. The older one merely smiles. They are lying on the beach, soaking up the afternoon sunlight. Seunghyun turns his head and nudges his nose lightly on to the other man’s nose. Jiyong never ceases to amaze him. He has this relentless spark of fireworks in him that have entranced Seunghyun since they first shook hands during orientation on campus. The first words Jiyong ever said to him were "I think I'm going to fall in love with you" and Seunghyun only replied with an awkward thank you._

_But Jiyong was right- 24 hours later, Seunghyun found himself sitting across from Jiyong in the Great Library with their feet tangled under the table. When they first kissed the next day, Seunghyun was suddenly certain that he’d met Jiyong before. Certainly not in this lifetime but maybe before, centuries, or maybe millenniums ago when wheels were made from wood and water was life. Seunghyun relished the familiar feeling when their lips finally touched. Because those lips had given him hope in lives that had passed. And Seunghyun loves him for that. For that and so much more.]_

 

The rain pours. Seunghyun stops his car in front of the mansion. He just drove all the way to this part of Seoul- it is often called the ‘ _Old Town_ ’ by Seoulites. Mostly because the houses in this area are pristinely preserved from centuries past. Big houses and magnificent mansions that were built before trees were grown on earth’s satellite and long before oceans became land. Seunghyun read that these houses were built by hand. Actual human hands built these walls and these fences. Seunghyun is still amazed every time.

There are still perfectly manicured lawns on this strip and houses are only a couple of storeys high around here, unlike the striking skyscrapers occupying Central Seoul’s skyline. Seunghyun doesn’t mind driving all the way here, he likes this neighborhood- he likes it very much. He remembers seeing the billboard advertising this area when he was only 9 years old- he saw a big house, a white picket fence and a proudly smiling family standing in front of it. He even took a picture of it with his glasses and every time he felt like giving up, he tapped on the rim and his dream house would appear right before his eyes. A man, his wife and two children, and a dog (a golden retriever too, Seunghyun’s favorite) grinning in front of a simple looking 3-storey house. He remembers thinking he wanted to live here one day with his own family.

But he can’t live here now even though he has more than enough money to purchase a couple mansions for himself. Yes, just himself and no one else. His age is drifting closer to 40 but Seunghyun still enjoys living alone, by himself. Well, he has no other choice.

He is about to reach out for his waterproof jacket on the backseat when suddenly the screen in the middle of his steering wheel lights up. An automatic voice reminds him of his dinner appointment,  _“Birthday dinner at 7PM. Kwon Jiyong’s house. Bring gifts. Replaying message.”_

But Seunghyun taps the off button before it replays the message Jiyong left in his inbox two weeks ago.

He doesn’t need to hear it again. It is etched in his brain, the crisp voice and the giggles. Typical Jiyong. The recorded message is exactly 4 minutes and 18 seconds long but it’s only the last 18 seconds that Seunghyun keeps reciting in his head, “The other guys are coming too, so you better show up okay?! It’s been- what- five? six months? since I saw you last time at the hospital?! Just come okay? I want to see you, hyung. Take care. Bye.”

Seunghyun clicks his tongue once. He takes the jacket swiftly and wriggles his arms into the sleeves- pulling the hood up while glancing up to the sky once again. No signs of the rain easing up. The sky is persistently grey. Well, he better make a run for it then.

Seunghyun grabs the small box next to him and tugs it under his jacket. He swings his car door open and runs towards the front door.

 

_[Jiyong lifts his left hand up suddenly. "What are you doing?" Seunghyun shades his eyes from the bright sunlight. They don't get that many off-days like today. No classes. No obligations. Seunghyun decided to "kidnap" Jiyong that morning. They drove all the way to the edge of the city, just before the Last ocean begins. "Trying to touch the clouds," Jiyong replies sheepishly- he realizes how stupid he might sound to Seunghyun._

_But the older man just smiles and weaves his fingers with Jiyong's other hand- the one that's not touching the clouds. He loves playing along with Jiyong’s imagination, because whatever makes Jiyong smile, it makes him smile too. They are on the beach again, letting the breeze sweep softly against their skin as the grains of sand tickle their hands and feet. The sand feels rough against their skin. It reminds Seunghyun of earth’s most tangible natural element that lasts- fire fades, air is invisible, and water evaporates. Seunghyun wants to love like that- natural, tangible and one that lasts forever. He finds it in Jiyong.]_

 

Seunghyun places his thumb on the fingerprint reader next to the door. The tiny black reader scans for a couple of seconds before the doorbell chimes.

The heavy wooden door swings open, Jiyong beams him a smile. "Hyung! You're early!"

Seunghyun still shudders every time he sees that smile. And he's not supposed to.

"Yeah. I thought the Road would be crowded, considering it’s the weekend." Not really, Seunghyun had been pacing in his house since the morning. He considered taking the Rail to Old Town and walking all the way to Jiyong’s house. But then he remembered he had to buy a gift. So instead, Seunghyun left the house at noon, roamed around Central Seoul looking for an appropriate gift and before he knew it, he set his course to Old Town.

When he was driving earlier, it felt a lot like he was driving back home. He soaked in the view- when the skyscrapers slowly faded and nothing but vast and empty land serenaded his journey there. Even though he knows there’s no such thing as ‘empty land’ anymore, everything is just a visual projection. Seunghyun knows perfectly well- he makes them. For a realist, he makes too much money from selling imaginations.

"Come on in, hyung!" Jiyong steps aside to let the other man in.

Seunghyun walks in, cautiously- water still dripping from his jacket.

"Here, let me help you," Jiyong quickly tugs the jacket off. Seunghyun stays quiet while Jiyong’s knuckles brush against his nape and then his shoulder.

There's a reason why he only drops by on holidays and important occasions even though Jiyong always insisted that he should come by more often. There’s a reason for everything, that much Seunghyun believes.

"Where are the kids?" Seunghyun clears his throat. The owner of the house then quickly hangs the jacket in the dryer box.

"At their grandparents' with Yoonie. They’ll be here soon," Jiyong replies nonchalantly, turning the dryer on. The square box attached on the wall hums.

Seunghyun feels something bitter on his tongue. But he chooses to ignore it. This is his own doing and he  _knows_  it.

"Are the guys coming?" Seunghyun tries to keep his question neutral.

"Yep. Youngbae is coming with his brother. I think his wife hasn't got back from Europe. Daesung said he's going to bring his 5-month old son. And I told him not to- I mean, not with the rain like this," Jiyong gestures to the windows as he makes his way into the depths of the house. Seunghyun has no choice but to follow him.

Seunghyun walks through the living room; pristine white couch facing towards a standard 55” screen on the wall and a cluster of random toys stacked up on the far corner. Family pictures ornament the wall, greeting him warmly as he treads past them- Seunghyun can even see himself grinning in some of them. They look happy, Jiyong must be happy. And that’s all that matters.

Seunghyun follows Jiyong into the kitchen and his heart stops as soon as he walks in. Sitting innocently on one of the shelves, right next to the picture of three adorable little boys grinning with ice cream slobbered on their chins and mouths and half of Jiyong’s face behind them, it is the first thing Seunghyun sees. A snow globe with a miniature of Big Ben and a double-decker bus in it. Seunghyun swallows hard- he didn’t know Jiyong still kept that, something that Seunghyun thought was lost forever is right there staring back at him.

 

_[“Do you want to go to London tomorrow?” Jiyong chimes near Seunghyun’s ear. They are sitting down in the food hall on campus- Seunghyun is busy on his computer, fixing his glasses every 2 seconds and eyes focused on the screen. “Ji, it’s a 3 hour flight from Seoul. And YOU have a project due in 3 days.” Jiyong huffs, he pouts and shifts even closer to Seunghyun, “Pleeeaase?” Seunghyun stops typing, he turns his head slowly. Jiyong’s soft brown eyes greet him, reminding Seunghyun that he’s seen those eyes before, not in this lifetime- they weren’t brown, they were mesmerizingly blue- but maybe it was just in one of Seunghyun’s dreams._

_“What are we going to do in London anyway?” Jiyong just pouts in return. Seunghyun cannot resist, he merely sighs. Jiyong knows Seunghyun can’t resist him. “I don’t know… see the Bridge? Big Ben? Ride that red bus thingy?” Seunghyun chuckles. None of those landmarks survived the London Restoration back in the early 2100s, but Jiyong ignores all that. Of course he does. He is impulsive and Seunghyun loves him for that.]_

 

“Coffee, hyung?” Jiyong shuffles into his kitchen.

“Sure,” Seunghyun positions himself as far away as he can from Jiyong. Physically, at least.

“Black, no cream?” Jiyong turns on his coffeemaker, but suddenly a voice chimes from the near the refrigeration room, an automatic message telling them that their coffee is being prepared.

“Off. Manual mode,” Jiyong speaks calmly. His hands are busy pouring the coffee grounds into the coffeemaker.

“You still like using those?” Seunghyun smirks, gesturing to the vintage coffee maker. He is leaning against the kitchen counter across the room from Jiyong.

“On a slow day like this, yes. But on school mornings, no,” Jiyong turns, facing Seunghyun- he sighs and just shakes his head weakly.

“But the kids are so well-behaved. They can’t be  _that_  bad.”

“When you have three hungry mouths to feed and six hands grabbing for sugary breakfast every morning, not really  _that_  well-behaved I’m afraid,” Jiyong shrugs but there is pride in his tone. His eyes beam that kind of submissive love every father has for their children.

Seunghyun smiles softly, he’s glad to see that fatherly sentiment shining through Jiyong’s eyes. Even though inside, those words sting a little bit, he knows Jiyong doesn’t mean to offend him. But Seunghyun will never have three rowdy children demanding sugary breakfast in the morning and looking up to him with adoring eyes before bed every night.

That’s why he’s here. That’s why  _they_  are here.

“Two sugars?” Jiyong asks rhetorically, he still has his back facing Seunghyun as he pours the black liquid into the mug.

Seunghyun is not supposed to be happy with the fact that Jiyong still remembers how he likes his coffee. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath. He still needs to calm himself even after all this time.

“She doesn’t like coffee, you know?” A slight change in Jiyong’s voice, lamenting a fact that Seunghyun is already very well aware of. “She said the smell makes her dizzy. So, I drink my coffee in the morning before she wakes up.” Jiyong is stirring the mug, and Seunghyun notices the rise and fall of the small shoulders as Jiyong takes a deep breath and exhales.

Seunghyun mirrors the action- his brain needing oxygen to stay calm. He hugs himself even tighter.

 

_[“Please tell me you’ve done your project,” Seunghyun whispers in between kisses. Jiyong pulls away, eyes wide in disbelief, “Excuse me, we are in London and you have a naked man straddling you and you are asking about my project?” Seunghyun just stares back lovingly; his hands are betraying him- already smoothing the sides of Jiyong’s thighs._

_“Now, may I continue, please? Uninterrupted?” Jiyong pecks the sides of Seunghyun’s lips. “Wait,” Seunghyun shifts and reaches underneath their single bed- carefully balancing Jiyong who’s sitting on his lap. He hands Jiyong the small box, “I hope you like it, babe.” Seunghyun kisses the damp forehead in front of him. Jiyong gasps and then squeals as soon as he flips the sturdy box open._

_“Hyunnie! Where did you-“ He doesn’t even finish the question. Slowly, he takes the small snow globe out- not bigger than an apple, like it is the most precious thing he’s ever touched. And it probably is. Big Ben and that ‘red bus thingy’. Seunghyun gave him something he thought was forever lost. How can he not love him? Jiyong loves him for that. And so much more.]_

 

“Can you hand me another mug, hyung?” Jiyong turns around and points to a shelf next to Seunghyun.

Seunghyun grabs a random grey mug from the rows of neatly arranged ceramics and makes his way to where Jiyong is standing. He comes up behind the slightly smaller man and gently places the ceramic piece on the counter. But before he can move his hand away, Jiyong lets out a soft chuckle, “Grey is your favorite color. It’s now my favorite color too.”

Seunghyun stills. His heart stops. His brain seizes. Something pierced his heart when Jiyong stated that simple fact. This is  _why_  he stays away. It’s been more than a decade and Seunghyun still remembers. Jiyong still remembers, too.

“Ji, don’t.” The only response Seunghyun can give- for knowing Jiyong so well, for knowing the next thing Jiyong is about to do.

Jiyong slowly turns his body. Seunghyun is still frozen- suddenly chained by the past and solidified by nostalgia. But his heart is strangely calm,  _too calm_.

“Don’t what, Hyunnie?” Jiyong summons back the past at the nickname. Seunghyun’s heart expands- feeling unbearable pain and immense happiness at the same time.

“We can’t do this.  _You_  can’t do this,” Seunghyun mutters. But his hands find their way around Jiyong. Seunghyun recalls the curve of the waist and the dimples on Jiyong’s lower back. His fingers are reacquainting themselves with the familiar warmth. And for now, the world stills around them.

“Why?” Jiyong takes a step forward and molds his chest to Seunghyun. And they fit. Like they were never separated.

Seunghyun shudders as he is taking a deep breath. He can list hundreds and maybe thousands of reasons why they shouldn’t feel so completely paired like this right now. But his lips refuse to move. This feels too good, it must be a sin.

Jiyong rests his palms on the broad chest in front of him. His right hand feels the soft thuds of Seunghyun’s heart- it is echoing his own. A symphony long denied of its majestic recital where every note sings of days passed, when love was free and love was all they needed.  _Forbidden, but never forgotten_.

Seunghyun gives in. Jiyong looks up and closes his eyes when Seunghyun's lips linger on his forehead. And their bodies react to the rhythm of their own melody. Seunghyun caresses the small of Jiyong’s back and the other man breathes in. Jiyong is no longer breathing air; he can only feel Seunghyun surrounding him. And slowly, Seunghyun trails his tender kisses down. Jiyong makes a pleased sound when Seunghyun brushes his eyelids with calm lips. Jiyong scrunches his nose when Seunghyun kisses it.

And Seunghyun yields. His lips slide against Jiyong’s. He nips on the upper lip, taking his time and gently shifts to the bottom half. Adding a little more pressure and letting his tongue lick along the lip. He feels Jiyong’s lips twitch. Jiyong is smiling.

 

_[Seunghyun gently places the grey mug on his bedside table. It is filled with steaming black liquid. Seunghyun sits on the edge of his bed while Jiyong is busy drawing on his sketchpad- the sound of skin brushing against paper is strangely soothing. “You know you can use my computer for that, right?” Seunghyun shifts himself further onto the bed, sitting cross-legged in front of Jiyong who has his back against the headboard. “I prefer this and you know it, Hyun,” Jiyong doesn’t even look up from his sketchpad. Of course Seunghyun knows. Jiyong keeps complaining about how expensive paper is, and the pencils too. But he still buys them anyways._

_Seunghyun steals a moment to quietly observe the drawing man. His expression is serious and focused on his sketchpad- soft lines etched between his brows and his bottom lip trapped between his teeth. It wasn’t like Seunghyun had any other choice but to fall in love with Jiyong. It was his bubbly personality that caught the older man’s attention but it was Jiyong’s devotion that won him over. And gladly Seunghyun surrendered._

_“Hey, I brewed you a new blend. This one is better than yesterday’s,” Seunghyun moves closer and is now kneeling right in front of Jiyong. The other man looks up- finally, taking his eyes from the dark grey lines of what looks like a basic outline of a skyscraper. “You and your coffee,” Jiyong puts his pencil and paper aside and takes the mug carefully. “What. I even use your favorite mug for this because this blend is very special.” Jiyong rolls his eyes, “My favorite mug is the red one, Hyunnie.” And he sips on the warm liquid carefully. After one gulp, he sighs, “Well, it’s still bitter.” Seunghyun smirks and he leans forward, careful not to spill the precious brew on his own bed. He brushes his lips against Jiyong and the other man responds by parting his mouth slightly, letting their lips envelop each other calmly. “Yeah? It tastes sweet to me,” Seunghyun breathes against his lips. Jiyong just smiles as he closes the distance again.]_

 

The rain is still trickling down, blotching water on the windows. The sound of thunder rumbles in the distance imitating the sound of steadily increasing heartbeats in this humble kitchen. Jiyong always loves the way Seunghyun kisses, he always starts gentle. Tracing the outline of his lips before slowly licking at the seam.

_Yes_ , he remembers very well.

Seunghyun’s fingers against the sensitive spot on his neck always disintegrate him- slowly, as he feels his nerve-endings screaming out to be touched by Seunghyun again. Jiyong recalls how he would respond to this- one hand clutching at the waist and his other hand trails up Seunghyun’s back and latches onto the shoulder. And so he holds on, no intention of letting go.

Seunghyun pulls away calmly, just idly stroking his knuckles along Jiyong’s side while gazing into Jiyong’s eyes. He’d missed seeing those coffee-colored eyes this close again, and he’s taking his time savoring them now.

Seunghyun smiles and seals his lips to Jiyong’s once again- it is warm, slightly moist and his nose presses against a blushing cheek. Seunghyun feels drunk without drinking any alcohol. When Seunghyun sighs, Jiyong shifts even closer and presses his thigh between Seunghyun’s legs. They are so close to falling from the edge- the adrenalin from being so close like this and the fear of falling carelessly collide, igniting ignorance and indulging in pleasure. They have resisted this for so long, a simple kiss feels like an eternal reward.

Seunghyun tilts his head to deepen the kiss and he feels something damp on the tip of his nose. Teardrops are already trickling from Jiyong’s jaw line.

“Ji…” Seunghyun whispers.

“Why did you make me love her?” Jiyong stutters, his voice weak.

“Ji, don’t.”

“Hyun, I know you want me to be hap-“ Jiyong is silenced by Seunghyun kissing him hungrily. And he melts.  _Oh_ , how he has missed this so much.

“I only want-“ Seunghyun pulls away only to smother Jiyong’s neck, “To see you happy. And to have-“ He nibbles slightly on the smooth skin, his hand sliding up Jiyong’s shirt, “A family, to have your own kids because-“ Seunghyun slides his lips back to Jiyong’s ear and he whispers, “Because I can never give you that.”

It took Seunghyun 10 years to finally say these words out loud- as excruciating as they were. That he only wants to give Jiyong happiness- the  _perfect_ happiness- exactly how he remembers it; a husband, a wife and kids. He had never want anything more in his life but this, so he is being honest now. And even though it has been more than a decade, the words still puncture his heart and the pain is still as real as yesterday.

Jiyong pulls him closer- burying his face in Seunghyun’s neck. He sobs silently, Seunghyun feels the stuttering chest against his own. Maybe this is Seunghyun’s punishment for loving someone so much.

But if it means that Jiyong is happy then gladly he will suffer.

 

_[“What do you think about Yoonie?” Seunghyun asks- tightening his hold around Jiyong’s waist. The smaller man in front of him has his hands shoved in his jacket. The train is not that crowded but they both chose to stand near the window so they can see the Han National Park when the train passes above it. The stretch of land used to be a river that divided Seoul in half but, due to the global draught, it is now a long stretch of rows and rows of trees- natural trees, and it is adored by many Seoulites. And especially by Seunghyun. He treasures things like this- living things nurtured by nature- alive and breathing. He promised himself he is going to make more people appreciate nature, the way they should- somehow, he will._

_“Yoonie? She’s nice. And very ambitious,” Jiyong sways a little bit inside Seunghyun’s hold as the train is making another stop. “Yeah, she is ambitious. And… do you like her?” Seunghyun asks again. “Like her? Why are you asking me this?” Jiyong leans towards Seunghyun, squinting his eyes. Seunghyun shrugs but he still waits for Jiyong to answer him. “Seunghyun, she’s your sister. Of course I like her. She’s a lovely girl.” Jiyong notices that Seunghyun is not quite happy with his reply, so he continues, “Any man would be very lucky to have her. Honest.” Seunghyun gives him a lopsided smirk in return. Jiyong smiles back and turns his head to look outside the window, he presses his cheek against Seunghyun’s chest as rows of cherry blossom trees pass by beneath them.]_

 

Seunghyun can see the rain is easing up through the kitchen window in front of him. But, his eyes are now stinging. He looks up to the ceiling, hoping the tears won’t fall. Jiyong has calmed slightly, and Seunghyun can’t break now. He can’t.  _Not now_.  _Not here_.

“Why did you do it, Hyun?” A question that has waited a decade to be asked.

Seunghyun knows what Jiyong is referring to. Because he’s been trying to come up with a better answer since Jiyong asked him the first time, and ten years on, still nothing. So, he decides to be honest. Even though it sounds too much like a well-rehearsed lie.

“I want you to be perfectly happy, Ji.”

“But I was happy,” Jiyong looks up, his eyes are seeking for that answer he never got, “I was happy when we were together. When I was in your arms like this, I-“ Jiyong stops repeating his pleas. He sees the tears in Seunghyun’s eyes.

_“Don’t ask me to turn back the time. Don’t ask me to love you like I used to.”_

“Don’t,” That’s all Seunghyun manages to say.

_“I can’t turn back the time but I still love you the same.”_

 

Jiyong smooths his palm gently over Seunghyun’s nape, pulls him down and submits himself to another kiss. A passionate one. And Seunghyun lets the tears roll down his cheek, he feels nothing but overwhelming love right now. Something is coagulating in his throat- it is constricting but Jiyong’s lips dilute the pain- like it used to, every single time, without fail.

“Ji, we can’t-“

“Shhh… just kiss me,” Jiyong pulls Seunghyun forward again, he tilts his head to angle the kiss better, to feel Seunghyun deeper.

Seunghyun has one hand holding the edge of the marble counter while the other winds up tighter around Jiyong’s waist- he needs to hold on to something to steady himself. He feels lightheaded. The way Jiyong is kissing him- like he used to after days of not seeing each other- how Seunghyun would whimper when the roof of his mouth was licked, how Seunghyun gasped when his bottom lip was being bitten.

And Seunghyun reciprocates, as if trying to convince Jiyong that he still remembers too- every single trait Jiyong has. The smaller man arches his neck when Seunghyun gently nibbles along the jaw, stopping near the earlobe. Seunghyun recalls how Jiyong would always moan when he whispered sweet nothings into his ear. So, he lets his warm breath tickles Jiyong’s ear, “You’re perfect, Ji. Always, perfect.”

Hastily, Jiyong clasps both of his hands on the sides of Seunghyun’s face. His lips are hungry now. Seunghyun reacts and kisses back fervently. A kiss urgently seeking for the past to return, vainly wishing for time to turn back- they reminisce through licks and gentle bites. Perfect,  _so perfect._

Jiyong pulls away first. He pants the question one last time, “Why?”

Seunghyun swallows hard before answering, he is not only answering Jiyong- his own heart needs convincing too, “Because you wouldn’t be perfectly happy with me. She can give you everything I can never give you.”

Jiyong clenches his jaw. He draws in stuttered breath and trembles his final question, “Is this what you wanted?”

Seunghyun shifts to plant a soft kiss on the other man’s forehead. “Are you happy, Jiyong?”

Jiyong grasps Seunghyun’s shirt, slightly tugging the soft fabric on the taller man’s chest. He is trying his best not to break again- because he  _is_  happy- as happy as he can be without being with the only man who’s kept his heart since the very beginning.

“Yes,” Jiyong answers short. It is what Seunghyun had always wanted to hear and now, he’s heard it from Jiyong himself. That Jiyong is  _happy_. That is all Seunghyun ever wanted.

Seunghyun pulls Jiyong into his embrace one more time, his hand caressing gently at the back of the smaller man’s head and he whispers his promise- pressing his lips to Jiyong’s temple, “I love you, Kwon Jiyong. I will never stop loving you until my last breath.”

And Seunghyun can feel something dripping on his chest, soaking his shirt. He has no courage to look down, because he is at the breaking point now and he can’t afford to lose, not when they both have come this far. Seunghyun knows, once he looks down, he is going to hurt Jiyong, he is going to hurt his family.

“I love you, too, Choi Seunghyun. I will always do, in this lifetime or the next. Just you,” Jiyong rasps. He hugs Seunghyun’s shoulder tighter, leaving a chaste kiss on the taller man’s neck.

They ignore their surroundings and just stand in the kitchen in each other’s embrace. Neither wants to step away first, until their coffee turns cold and the artificial sun surrenders obediently to the pale moon.

And somewhere between Seunghyun’s random pecks on the soft strands of hair in front of him and Jiyong brushing his nose on the taller man’s neck, someone is opening the front door- they can hear the keys beeping and muffled sounds of kids bickering. They instantly break away from each other.

Jiyong grabs the coffee mug and straightaway empties the contents into the sink. Seunghyun slips away from the warmth of Jiyong’s body and retreats back to sit on the stool across the room. And life is back to normal again.

“Uncle Seunghyuuun!” The sounds of footsteps against the wooden floor combined with the innocent voices of an 8 and a 5 year old rapidly grow louder in the house. They must have seen his car outside.

Seunghyun beams them a smile as he sees two little boys running hastily towards him. They crash haphazardly into Seunghyun’s legs- looking up, and already requesting for him to show his latest creations.

“Mom said you made cherry blossom trees and canola flowers!”

“And that we can smell them!”

“Is that true, Uncle Seunghyun?”

“Can we see them now?”

“Can you show us?”

Yoonie walks in calmly behind the boys shaking her head jadedly, she has their youngest in her arms- Jaehyun is turning 2 years old today.

“Boys, leave your uncle alone. He just got here. Go to your rooms and change.”

But the boys are still nagging- Seunghyun is already chuckling, he repeats Hyeyoon’s request, “After you both change your clothes, I will show you the snowflakes I’ve been working on.”

The boys’ eyes widen comically and they race each other to their bedroom.

“How are you, Oppa?” Hyeyoon pecks her brother’s cheek.

Seunghyun shrugs and he gestures for Jaehyun to sit on his lap. He can see Jiyong in the corner of his eye still busying himself with washing the cups in the sink, even though there is a dishwasher right next to where he is currently scrubbing the mugs clean. Hyeyoon gently settles Jaehyun on his uncle’s lap and Seunghyun is completely distracted by his nephew- the youngest boy smiling up at him, he has Jiyong’s eyes.

“Happy birthday, little Jae,” He lifts the little boy up- blowing raspberries on his chubby tummy. Jaehyun giggles- wriggling his petite body in Seunghyun’s hold.

All the while, Jiyong is quiet. A quick smile to Hyeyoon and then excuses himself to go to the toilet.

“Hey, Mom has been looking for you. She misses you.”

Seunghyun articulates an obligatory reply as his hands keep tickling Jaehyun on his lap.

 

_[“Are you out of your fucking mind?” Jiyong vents out his anger. Seunghyun has never seen him this angry before. But separations are never easy, especially not when Seunghyun is insinuating to Jiyong- his ex boyfriend- to start dating Hyeyoon, his sister. “Choi Seunghyun, you are fucking crazy,” Jiyong starts walking back into his apartment building. It is near midnight in Central Seoul, it is summer now- the damp air is not helping Jiyong’s bubbling anger._

_Seunghyun broke up with him- for no obvious reason, at least not that he knows of- about three months ago. Seunghyun just disappeared and left Jiyong heartbroken and confused. Jiyong counted the hours- he really did. And suddenly Seunghyun showed up, 5 days and 10 hours ago, acted like it was the most normal thing on earth to break off a relationship that way. When Seunghyun showed up on his doorstep that fateful Monday morning, the older man was already carrying a box full of Jiyong’s random things that were left in Seunghyun’s apartment._

_“Jiyong! Wait! Listen to me!” Seunghyun runs after Jiyong and catches the skinny wrist- Jiyong wrestles the hold away, but he stops regardless. “Do I even want to hear this?” Jiyong spews out his frustration along with the question. “I just want you to be happy,” Seunghyun speaks his answer without any hint of affection- it sounds flat, forced and fake. “What?” Jiyong squints his eyes, he can’t believe what he is hearing from Seunghyun’s mouth. “I want you to have a family. I can’t give you a family. She can,” Seunghyun spells out, straightforward. “Is that why she was checking up on me when you disappeared? Did you tell her to-“ Jiyong stops, he feels nauseous- disgusted, even. “I just asked her to check up on you. Ji, trust me. You said it yourself that any man would be lucky to have her.”_

_Seunghyun stops talking. He cannot keep up this charade any longer if he continues talking. The thought of being separated with Jiyong has been gnawing his soul for months, and the pain won’t subside, it hurts more by the hour. He doesn’t know how else he can convince Jiyong that he is going to be happier with Yoonie. And with their own biological children. And maybe pets, too. Seunghyun believes that is what Jiyong deserves- something real. Seunghyun can only promise substitutes._

_But Jiyong is already shaking with anger and disgust, he requests one more thing calmly before he starts saying things he will regret one day, “Go away, Seunghyun. Just leave. I don’t know you anymore.” Jiyong turns and drags his feet back into his building. Seunghyun waits until Jiyong enters the stone-and-metal building and he can’t see him anymore, and then he kneels- his legs give up. Seunghyun cries for the first time that night ever since he met Jiyong 4 years ago. Not caring if people are looking at him curiously for crying in the middle of a crowded metropolitan city. The only thing he cares about doesn’t recognize him anymore, everything else is of no value as far as he is concerned.]_

 

Seunghyun splashes cold water on his face. He needs to calm himself before sitting across the table from Jiyong for the rest of the evening. Dinner is about to start soon and everyone has arrived. Daesung finally came with his wife and son- the baby looks like the exact replica of his father. Ever since he was born, he’s been his father’s son- Seunghyun remembers, because that’s when he saw Jiyong last time before today.

He stares at his reflection on the mirror in front of him. He sees his face- cheeks, eyes, nose and lips, all have been marked by Jiyong’s lips today. Seunghyun lifts a finger and traces it on his own bottom lip- recalling Jiyong’s pliant lips against his own just half an hour ago. He’s just about to lose himself further in nostalgia when there’s a gentle knock on the door.

“Seunghyun! Is everything okay? Dinner is about to start,” Youngbae informs.

“Yeah, I’m done.” Seunghyun grabs the clean hand towel and wipes the water droplets from his face, thinking to himself that he is  _okay._  Everything will be okay.

Seunghyun deposits the used towel under the sink and mutters to himself as he eyes his own reflection as if Jiyong is standing in front of him, “I hope you continue to be happy, Ji. I can’t make you happy.  _Not in this lifetime_.”

 

[ _"I don't understand why you like this place so much, honestly," Jiyong traces his finger on the fence. The wood is rough against his fingers. Seunghyun is walking next to him, hands crossed in front of his chest. "I love this area- the authenticity, the fresh air. I've always loved Old Town." Seunghyun has been asking Jiyong to go with him to Old Town a few times now. They would arrive where the Rail station was and just randomly wander off on the concrete sidewalks- observing the houses or the kids playing in the front yard. "I want to live here one day," Seunghyun is still walking but his eyes gaze into the distance- trying to see where he can fit in this favorite picture of his. Jiyong turns, facing him, "Well, maybe we can. One day. When we have too much money and too much time, with dogs and cats around. And maybe a parrot?" Seunghyun chuckles lightly. Jiyong is amazing like that- he prefers city lights and noises, fireworks and movements, but for Seunghyun, he doesn't mind the calm and the ordinary. He doesn't mind at all._

_"You? Living here? With cats and dogs?" Seunghyun tugs the small shoulder closer. "And parrots, with red and yellow feathers. I want exotic kids," Jiyong utters his reply close to Seunghyun's ear. And Seunghyun only pecks the other man's head as a reply. They walk another block with hands tangled on each other’s bodies. Jiyong quips randomly every now and then, how he is going to want a room just for him to draw, how he doesn't mind a backyard so Seunghyun can enjoy reading his vintage book collection- Jiyong even promises that he’ll make him coffee in bed every morning if Seunghyun stays out from his drawing room._

_Seunghyun loves Jiyong's imagination; it is his source of happiness. Always has been, always will. And he wants to make them a reality. One way or another, Jiyong is going to have his drawing room and his exotic kids. Seunghyun presses his lips close to Jiyong's ear, "I will give you all that, Ji. Trust me. I will give you happiness." And Jiyong tilts his head up, "I'm happy if you're happy. Now, shut up and kiss me." When the soft pliant lips start moving against his own, it dawns on Seunghyun that by being with him, Jiyong won’t be perfectly happy. Jiyong belongs with the lights, with the unattainable dreams- he deserves nothing less than perfect. A family is perfect- with a wife, kids, and that golden retriever. Seunghyun kisses harder now- he drinks the kiss, searching and eager. Because he knows that he has to let Jiyong go one day. As much as it is going to irreparably break his soul apart, Seunghyun can never give him the perfect happiness. Not in this lifetime._ ]

 

**_“Maybe in the next lifetime, I can give you all the happiness you deserve in the world.”_ **

 

\---end---


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